Just below the surface motherhood always has a hidden mental load. All mums know about this invisible, unspoken load of motherhood, but we rarely talk about it. We spend our days trying to be the best mum we can, keep our careers going, and remember who we actually are. We carry this invisible load, all while wondering if we are doing a good job at all.
This is a glimpse into my journey with motherhood’s unseen load. It’s about how I went from feeling overwhelmed and used a solution focused approach to create a life I feel proud to lead.
Are You Missing a Village?
We’ve all heard the African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child.” But what happens when it feels like the village is missing? What happens when you are striving to be the present mum and high-achieving professional, all while trying to hold everything together alone?
There comes a moment when it starts to feel like maybe your dreams were too big. You wonder if ‘having it all’ is even possible when the village you imagined, the support you thought you’d have, simply doesn’t exist. You are carrying that invisible mental load of motherhood alone, with no one to share the load.
Living With My Invisible Mental Load
At the beginning of my journey into motherhood many years ago, I lived with an inner hum of sadness. I felt the mental and emotional weight of constant responsibility. I was on the ‘mum clock’ 24/7 with no lunch breaks and no annual leave.
I did this all while balancing a career that demanded my focus while part of my heart was still at home. I was grieving for the village society had promised me. I began to realise it didn’t actually exist.
Long before I began my training as a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist, I would tell my son every morning: “You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be the best version of YOU.”
It was a beautiful sentiment, and he responded so well to it. But one day, I realised I wasn’t following it myself because I was carrying a huge, growing, invisible mental load.
I was the unpaid chef, the on-call nurse, and the laundry maid. I was managing a never-ending stream of household responsibilities, including bills and admin. I was also the professional trying to climb the ladder and show up the best I could at work. I was trying to be the perfect friend and sister, all while being the anchor for my dad as he found his feet in a new country.
I looked at my life and realised I wasn’t just ‘busy’; I was being spread so thin that I was becoming almost transparent. It was a huge amount of mental and emotional labour. I was meeting everyone else’s needs, but I definitely wasn’t showing up as the best version of myself in any single area of my life. I felt like a hamster running on a wheel, and this was definitely not the life I had intended to live.
Why Mother’s Struggle: The Neuroscience of the ‘Mum Spark’
Eventually, this led to a turning point. I realised I couldn’t change my circumstances, but I could change my mindset. I decided to stop waiting for help and instead focus on becoming the mum I always wanted to be. Simultaneously, I was going to show up at work as the woman who deserved to be there.
Through neuroscience, I now understand exactly why I felt like I was failing despite working so hard. I was doing a thousand tasks at a thousand miles an hour; my brain was stuck in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’. When we live like that, our Primitive Brain is in charge, and it only knows how to survive, not how to thrive.
I needed to get my Intellectual Mind back in control. This is the part of the brain where you have access to your professional skills, your emotional calm, your logic, your experience, and your understanding. It allows you to enjoy an extra-long cuddle and feel completely grounded in a meeting.
Learning How To Lift My Unseen Mental Load
Part of ‘having it all’ meant learning the power of setting boundaries around my invisible mental load. I had to learn how to protect my peace, my mental energy and my time with the same fierce dedication I gave to my work and my children. I started saying “no” to things and people that didn’t align with my goals or make me feel my best.
This came as a surprise to some family members and friends. They didn’t like that I was no longer available in the same way or readily available whenever they called. But it was worth it to remove that hidden load.
By protecting my mental energy, I had more of myself to give to my career and to the people who mattered the most. I wasn’t just surviving the day anymore; I was curating a life that actually felt good to live. I realised that my peace wasn’t something I had to wait for; it was something I had to cherish and protect to keep me feeling my absolute best.
Becoming the Mother I Wanted
I wanted to create a loving, accepting environment for my children, but also realised I was healing a part of myself in the process. By becoming the mum I wish I’d had, I was finally providing the care and acceptance I had deeply needed myself.
It wasn’t just about them; it was about me. I was becoming a role model, showing my children that being a present parent and a dedicated professional aren’t mutually exclusive. I was teaching them that while those cuddles at bedtime were the absolute best part of the day, working and providing for my family was important, too.
Discipline and the Myth of Motherhood’s Sacrifices
Some people will tell you that a successful career means sacrificing family. Others will say that being a good mother means putting your work dreams on the backseat. But that is a myth spread by a society trying to keep women in their corner (or in the kitchen, to be precise!).
You can absolutely have it all. But you have to stop being driven by the ‘busy’ and start showing up as the woman you were always meant to be.
The marathon runner Eliud Kipchoge once said, “Only the disciplined ones are free in life.” In motherhood and career, this means having the discipline to stick to the promises we make to ourselves. When we have the discipline to prioritise our mental wellbeing, to carve out that space for ourselves without guilt, we create the internal freedom to actually enjoy our successes.
I had to figure this out on my own, long before I knew Solution Focused Hypnotherapy (SFH) existed. What I love about SFH is that it helps you identify exactly what steps you need to take to make your life better. It doesn’t give you a one size fits all plan; it empowers you because you know yourself better than anyone else ever could.
Motherhood As a Work in Progress
I am by no means the perfect mum or the perfect professional. Life is messy and I still have so much yet to learn! But today, my house is more peaceful and happier, and my career is thriving. For me, that is a huge win.
I came to the realisation that motherhood is a beautiful extra qualification, but it wasn’t the beginning of my journey, and it’s definitely not the end. You are allowed to be the ambitious, driven woman you were before you became a mother. In fact, that woman is still there; she’s just buried under the ‘busy. You need the tools to move out of survival mode and find your feet in this new world.
I’ve been in the sadness and the slump and I know the way out. You don’t need the village; you are enough just as you are. You can have the career, the family, and the happiness you deserve. One day at a time, you can start creating the life you always wanted.
If you are a mum who feels like she has lost her spark, if the invisible mental load of motherhood is feeling a bit too heavy, or if motherhood isn’t quite what you wished it to be, please reach out. Accepting help is already a positive step in the right direction. The right support can help you to find your feet again, empowering you to create a life that makes you smile.
About the Author
Desiree Mackenzie is a qualified Solution Focused Hypnotherapist based in Bromley. With almost two decades of experience in healthcare, Desiree has a deep-rooted passion for patient care and mental health.
Having navigated the invisible mental load of a demanding career while being the primary anchor for her family, Desiree understands firsthand the hamster wheel of the modern working woman.
Through her clinical practice, she supports her clients to regain their ‘Mum Spark’ and helps them feel empowered to curate the life they want to live.
